Dear Annie: My wife celebrates others but ignores my milestones

To Annie, please:

I recently retired from a demanding 37-year career teaching high school in an urban setting under extremely challenging circumstances. I’ve been married for more than thirty years, and I have two kids in their late twenties.

Throughout my life, I have been a good husband, parent, and provider for my family. I have a very special bond with my daughters. But because my wife didn’t appreciate the sacrifices I made at the conclusion of my career, I still hold some grudges against her.

Many of my friends who retired with me were duly acknowledged by their spouses and close relatives, who threw parties and get-togethers to commemorate this once-in-a-lifetime occasion. My wife, however, strongly objected when I asked if we could host a small get-together for some of my friends at our house. She explained that she had already hosted parties for her parents and brothers on other occasions and didn’t think it was essential to celebrate my retirement.

I never mentioned it again because I felt completely undervalued at the time. But I was taken aback when, three weeks later, my wife was in charge of planning a retirement celebration for a church member. I witnessed her investing a great deal of time and energy into planning a celebration for someone who was not related to her. This undoubtedly caused me to feel a great deal of resentment, but I was able to control my emotions.

I requested my wife to host a little birthday party for my friends at our house when it was time for my 60th birthday, and she became upset with me again for simply asking. A month later, however, she went all out and forced me to attend her brother’s 60th birthday celebration.

Many of my close friends were shocked to learn that she had never acknowledged my years of hard work and effort. When we eventually had a meaningful discussion about the matter, she broke down in tears and confessed that she felt bad about ignoring both significant occasions. She spent some time seeking professional assistance to overcome her feelings of guilt.

I remain resentful even after she acknowledged it and apologized, since my reasoning indicates that she had a valid reason for overlooking such a significant occasion. She becomes agitated and leaves if I attempt to discuss it with her. In addition, because we are a mixed-race couple, I have had to put up with offensive racist remarks from her mother and brothers during our marriage. I’ve kind of ignored those because I’ve learnt to cope with them throughout my life. What irritates me is that she now boasts about all the advantages she has gained from my retirement, which she chose not to acknowledge.

I’ve given divorce a lot of serious thinking because I don’t want to live my entire life with someone who doesn’t respect me. The reason I haven t done so is that although my daughters are now adults, I m very afraid of the emotional impact that might have on them. What should I do, in your opinion? Hurt and Underappreciated

To the Underappreciated:

While your wife may have apologized for these recent instances, it s clear there s been a pattern of disrespect and disregard that you ve had to endure over the entirety of your marriage, especially combined with her family s racist remarks toward you over the years. You are perfectly justified in feeling offended and angry.

A good couples counselor can help you two figure out the root of, and solution to, changing this behavior. The resentment you feel, though understandable, will only put more and more strain on your relationship the longer you let it go unresolved. Your daughters aside, you deserve to be in a marriage where you feel seen, valued, celebrated and loved.

How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner? is out now! Annie Lane s second anthology featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation is available as a paperback and e-book. Visithttp://www.creatorspublishing.comfor more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane [email protected].

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