Dear Abby: How can I break the cycle of anger in my family?

Greetings, Abby

The men in my family have inherited my anger management problems. Even though my mother is a strong lady and wouldn’t allow my father to get away with too much, the effect is still felt. As a young adult, I’ve come to the realization that I’m acting somewhat like my father. I’ve never extended my hand to a person. When I argue with my girlfriend, I can maintain my composure. Usually, I gently request that she modify her tone and speak more quietly. It makes me feel bottled up when she gets agitated. If I made a mistake, I could never forgive myself. In addition to being a loving husband and father, I want to raise kids. I see myself as a solid, trustworthy member of my family and social circle. Please advise me on how to control my anger outbursts. Thank you. MASSACHUSETTS’ JOSEPH

Greetings, Joseph

I want to congratulate you on being a bright and perceptive young man. You didn’t say what makes you and your girlfriend fight. It is possible to stop flare-ups from erupting by identifying their cause. We both have strong feelings about this, I said. Can we talk about it later? and taking a stroll can aid in regaining a more tranquil viewpoint. The outbursts from your father are a another story. He can be someone who vents his annoyance on nearby innocent individuals. Although everyone gets angry occasionally, most people learn how to manage their anger in childhood. Your father obviously didn’t.

It is unethical to use the justification that it runs in the family. Violence threats are frightening. It is illegal to act on them.

The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It, my booklet, offers advice on how to control and productively express anger in a variety of contexts. To place an order, submit your name, address, and $8 (in US dollars) by cheque or money order to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. The price includes shipping and handling.

The level of animosity in our culture has escalated to unprecedented levels in the modern era. The most deadly of all is explosive fury, as we have seen far too often in the media. As I’ve said previously, in order to help people communicate more effectively and in a healthy way, perhaps conflict resolution and anger management should be taught in schools.

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Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, is the author of Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, began the company. For more information, visit www.DearAbby.com or send an email to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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