Dear Abby: My alcoholism led to infidelity and divorce after 11 years together

Greetings, Abby

For six of those eleven years, my spouse and I were married. For the past five years, I have struggled with alcoholism, which has caused me to be unfaithful. He found it difficult to comprehend my addiction issue because he never drank. He eventually left me after I was found guilty of DUI. He was already seeing someone else two weeks later! One year later, we got divorced. Over the past 14 months, I have been making changes in my life. I’ve been sober the entire time, gone to AA meetings, and seen both an addiction therapist and a psychotherapist. Since my husband’s departure, I have been inconsolable. I only leave my house to work, and I’ve shed twenty pounds that I didn’t need to lose. I haven’t even considered the possibility of meeting or conversing with another man.

I really want to work things out with my ex, and he has been telling me repeatedly that he wants to do so. I am aware that I caused him pain, and he has changed. He won’t truly commit to anything and just keeps hurting me, even though I want to show him that I’m different and that we can be happy. Should I try to find a way to move on or should I keep going after this? Currently sober in Virginia

DEAR NOW SOBER:

You cannot hold on to someone who continuously harms you if maintaining your sobriety is vital to you. (I wish you had explained how he does this, but you have to act in your own best interests.) Did your drinking and infidelity have anything to do with his treatment of you, or how you saw it?

He says he wants to work things out, you said. His apprehension might be a result of the pain he endured as a result of your treatment of him. Rekindling your romance should only be done under specific circumstances: If they are still together, he needs to break up with the person he is seeing, go to Al-Anon meetings to learn more about alcoholism, and come to your relationship counseling sessions.

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Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, is the author of Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, began the company. For more information, visit www.DearAbby.com or send an email to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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