Dear Annie: From a doctor – the right and wrong ways to address pregnancy loss

To Annie, please:

As a former obstetrician-gynecologist, I have had the honor of advising numerous ladies who have suffered the devastating loss of a pregnancy. These losses, whether from stillbirth, miscarriage, or the birth of a child with birth abnormalities, are extremely devastating.

The reaction—or lack thereof—from their friends and loved ones is among the most agonizing things for many of these women. All too frequently, the bereaved mother is completely ignored. It’s not that they don’t care; rather, it’s that they’re at a loss for words. Unfortunately, when they do say something, it’s frequently inadvertently cruel.

Though they may have well intentions, sayings like “it was God’s will,” “you can always have another one,” or “He (or she) is in a better place” can invalidate and lessen the depth of grief. These remarks inadvertently convey the idea that the lost life can be replaced or that the bereaved individual should just accept the misfortune and move on.

In my experience, saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” is frequently the greatest way to respond. It is considerably more significant to acknowledge the sorrow without attempting to make it better or provide an explanation. This tiny gesture lets the person who is mourning know that their loss is important, that their child’s existence, no matter how short, was meaningful, and that they are not the only one who is grieving.

A little empathy and understanding can go a long way for someone who is mourning because pregnancy loss is a painful and frequently lonely experience. We should at least make an effort to be there and open to listen without passing judgment or offering suggestions.

I appreciate you giving these kinds of discussions a forum. I hope that by adopting this viewpoint, others would feel more comfortable helping loved ones through such trying times. — Baby MD

To Baby MD, please:

I greatly appreciate your letter. I hope it raises awareness of the suffering that people experience during this time.

Annie Lane’s “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is her second anthology. Available in paperback and e-book formats, it includes popular essays on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].

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