Dear Annie: How can I connect with my son when his partner pushes me away?

To Annie, please:

The young woman with whom my son is dating had three children before they met. Eleven months had passed since the birth of their other two children. His girlfriend, Jordan, was raised in foster care. She experienced some difficult times. I promised to treat her children as if they were a member of my family when she became pregnant with my son’s first child. My other kids concurred, saying that was the only way to go.

But it didn’t take long for Jordan to threaten to keep the children away from me. She and the children are also highly motivated by material possessions. They essentially base the value of trips on the benefits they will obtain. I know that Jordan values possessions and presents because she was raised in foster care, but I’m single, trying to save for retirement, and surviving in a difficult economic climate.

My other children don’t want to be around Jordan or her children because of the difficult relationship that has developed between them and the numerous bad behaviors that she displays. She has said several things to me that really make me uneasy. I’m not sure how to overcome it. Sadly, this means I don’t get to visit my son or his kids too often. I’m worried that their mother and the other children would be upset if I did something special for them or got them toys or books.

Lately, my son has been complaining that he feels alone. I informed him that although we adore him, we are unsure of how to handle their connection.

The circumstance has caused me a great deal of distress. I believe I should be able to handle this circumstance with grace. I feel self-centered. On the other hand, I am working harder than ever at the age of 61, following a late-life divorce. I don’t have a lot of social energy to devote outside of work because my profession requires a lot of social interaction. My own time is quite valuable to me, and I don’t want to waste it on unpleasant things. I don’t want to be around disrespectful adults or mischievous children that require presents to feel accepted.

I should also mention that I recently relocated from a suburban home to an apartment in the city center. Five visiting children would make my modest flat feel even smaller. Although my complex is beautiful and extremely safe, it is very urban, and there is a high rate of homelessness and crime. There’s nowhere for kids to play outside. I adore this place. I love the diversity. I respect the hard things that are part of living in a city. I ve wanted this most of my adult life, and I feel that I ve finally earned this life and hold it precious.

How can I manage to make my son feel less isolated and balance my time and well-being? Trying to Figure it All Out

Dear Trying:

It sounds like Jordan s childhood was tainted by trauma, which means some of her behaviors in adulthood may be strange or upsetting to you. Though it s not your job to accommodate her insults, it might help to try to understand where she is coming from and the best way to learn more is to ask.

If you feel comfortable, reach out to her for lunch or coffee and try to learn a bit more about what her unusual and offensive comments might be motivated by. If that s not possible, have a conversation with your son about her, and make it clear that you are trying to understand her better rather than just complaining.

In terms of hosting them at your new apartment, there are plenty of alternatives. Offer to come to them instead, or meet at a neutral place like a park or a restaurant. You have worked hard for a peaceful home, and you have every right to keep it that way.

How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner? is out now! Annie Lane s second anthology featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation is available as a paperback and e-book. Visithttp://www.creatorspublishing.comfor more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane [email protected].

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