Dear Annie: I feel like an outsider with my stepkids. Am I trying too hard?

To Annie, please:

I could really use some advice because I’m having a hard time in my role as a stepmother. My spouse and I have been married for little over a year, and he has two children, ages eight and twelve, from a previous marriage. I get to see them frequently, albeit not every day, because they divide their time between their mother’s house and ours.

I want to get along well with them, but I’m having trouble figuring out where I fit in. I feel as though I’m balancing being too involved with not being involved enough. I want to positively impact their lives and make them feel like they are a part of the family, but I also don’t want to cross boundaries with their mother or give the impression that I’m attempting to take her place.

Although the children are courteous, I get the impression that they are hesitant to open up to me completely. I sometimes think that no matter how hard I try, they will always see me as an outsider. Not taking it personally is difficult.

In addition, my spouse and I have occasionally disagreed on discipline. Because he feels bad about the divorce, he often overlooks things, but I think it’s important to set clear expectations and boundaries. How can I raise these issues without making our marriage tense?

I truly want to handle this with patience and kindness, but I’m feeling overburdened and uncertain of my course of action. How can I manage the challenges of being a stepmother, create a loving bond with my stepchildren, and keep my marriage strong? Feeling overwhelmed Stepmother

To the Overwhelmed:

Continue your current course of action. It takes time, patience, and persistence to establish a solid relationship with your stepchildren. Make an effort to provide a welcoming, safe space where they may relax. Small, heartfelt actions can make a big difference, such as expressing interest in their pastimes or lending a sympathetic ear when they need it.

Communicate politely and refrain from comparing yourself to their mother while discussing boundaries. You’re establishing your own special position in their lives, not attempting to take her place.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Feeling alienated at times is common, but over time, love, tolerance, and regular attendance will strengthen those ties. More than you realize, you’re doing well.

How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].

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