Dear Annie: I’m always excluded. Am I the problem?

To Annie, please:

The cliquey nature of the other teachers at the school where I teach has been a problem for me throughout the years. The epidemic struck shortly after I started working there, and a lot of people friended one another on Facebook. I accepted a lot of friend requests because, during those first few gloomy months, that was the only thing that gave us a sense of belonging, and it felt nice. But after a few years, I couldn’t help but notice how people tagged and commented on one other’s posts as if they were real-life pals, but never with me.

Few people are aware that I had cancer during the epidemic, and I was unable to attend many of the social gatherings that helped to cement those ties. I therefore understood a little, but I assumed that eventually I would be invited in. That never occurred, and the volume of posts from coworkers that would appear in my feed made me feel left out. After a few years, I decided to block and unfriend a lot of individuals from my workplace on Facebook so I wouldn’t have to see it and feel horrible.

When happy hours or staff events are promoted, I go out and mingle, ask people questions, and demonstrate my interest in them as individuals and in what they have to say. I frequently leave feeling disappointed, though, because most individuals don’t seem interested in me at all. I’ve asked folks I’ve met at work to dinner at my house with my husband over the years, and even to our wedding. The couples accepted our invites with pleasure, and we had a good time, but I’ve never received a follow-up invitation.

I learned last week that a lot of other instructors were invited to a party for one of the teachers’ birthdays last weekend, but I was left out. It stung a little that I wasn’t invited because I usually sit next to this instructor at the break table for lunch, talk to him nicely, and listen to his stories. The employees at the workplace are no better. With the exception of one woman, none of them greet me or smile. I am not sure why, but I am starting to feel like a pariah at work. I have a nice and healthy home life, have acquired friends through various activities, interests, and groups, yet it bothers me that my office feels so elitist and chilly.

I would like to stay because I enjoy the school, the children, and the leadership, but I am thinking of looking for a job elsewhere. However, I secretly wonder if I am the issue and have a reputation or some other unattractive quality that turns off potential coworkers. I’ve begun therapy for other reasons, but I want to talk about this too. I was wondering what you think I should do to learn how to interpret this criticism at work. Not Greetings from Washington

Dear Unwelcome:

You have every right to feel offended by the way your coworkers have treated you. This might be more related to the fact that you’re new and joined during a difficult period, which makes it more difficult to integrate. It takes time to build connections, and it’s normal for people to take their time getting to know one another.

If you love the school, the leadership and the students, that s a great reason to stay. Faculty dynamics can change, and you may meet new colleagues or form connections with the existing ones over time.

Remember, we can t control other people s actions only how we react to them. Sometimes, what feels like rejection is actually redirection. Perhaps you weren t meant to be part of that group or party, and that s OK.

Congratulations on taking the step to go to therapy and staying curious about yourself! By continuing this journey of self-growth, you ll likely find that meaningful friendships will naturally come into your life. Try not to get too fixated on how those friendships should look or where they need to come from. You don t have to be friends with your coworkers; you can build connections outside of work.

For now, focus on what you enjoy about your job: the students, the leadership and the school itself. Those are excellent reasons to stay and thrive in your role.

How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner? is out now! Annie Lane s second anthology featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation is available as a paperback and e-book. Visithttp://www.creatorspublishing.comfor more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane [email protected].

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